Things I Want in My Next Living Arrangement

I'm having an interesting time living alone. One the one hand, I absolutely adore being the only one here. Whatever mess there is is mine and I am not bothered by someone else's stuff being everywhere without my being able to clean it up. There are rarely dishes in the sink, the couch is always clean, and everything is exactly where I want it. I can burn candles whenever I want and have the smells I like. The fridge is all mine, which is good because it's very full. I do all the chores, so they get done how I like them. I can sleep with the bedroom door open, something I haven't done since high school. It's quiet, for the most part (unless my neighbors are being loud). On the other hand, living alone is kind of scary and kind of lonely. If something happens to me, no one will know for a long time. If I fall and break myself somehow, it's going to be difficult to manage on my own. I have to actively seek out social activities, and it's kind of a hassle. I don't know anyone at my apartment complex, so no one's ever coming by to chat.

All this aside, I do, for the most part, like my apartment. It's far away from campus, which sucks, but it's inexpensive, it was fully furnished, and it's the perfect size for me. However, there are some things I've been thinking about that I definitely want wherever I live next. I realize it might be a few more living arrangements before I get this, but eventually I'll have them all.

- A porch and/or a deck. You have no idea how much I want this. I want someplace to sit outside and read or drink some tea or something. Even a little spot of grass with a park bench in it would be nice. And on my deck I want a barbeque grill. And some lounge chairs so I can entertain guests.

- Lightswitches that go with lights. I have two switches next to my front door. One goes to the outside light. The other, my landlord hasn't figured out which outlet it goes to after 20-some years. Coming home at night means I have to feel around for the lamp next to the door and manually turn it on...who does that?!

- Giant windows. I have a nice size window in my living room right now but I want lots and lots of windows to let it tons of light.

- A garden or window boxes. I guess technically I could do window boxes right now, but I'm afraid people walking by my motel-style apartment would knock them over. Also, it's cold.

- Closets. I have one closet right now. One. It is where lots of my clothes and shoes are along with all my linens, and is doubling as storage space for everything from the fans (I don't have A/C) to my sleeping bag to well, everything. I would like to have a pantry closet, a linen closet, and a front hall closet...

- A/C. It sucks to be without it in the summer. 5 fans just don't cut it.

- Counter space. I have more now that the fans are gone, but it's still not much.

- Cabinets I can reach. There's a significant amount of space I'm wasting right now just because I can't reach those shelves. Sometimes being short is no fun (but usually I like it).


Otherwise, here are things I'd keep from my current apartment:

- Ceiling fan and light. So awesome. And it's connected to a switch, so I don't have to stand on a chair to turn it on.

- Walk in closet. Yeah, it's the only closet, but thank goodness it's a walk in.

- Carpet everywhere except next to the sink in the kitchen and in the bathroom. I like carpet in living areas. If I had a dining room I would want hardwood floor, but for the living room and bedroom carpet is the way to go.

- Nice views out my window. I get to look at the mountains of North Carolina all day.

Recap from this week

This was my last week of classes at DePauw. I am not sure when that statement is actually going to hit me (if it ever will...it never did for high school), but it is still strange to think about. We didn't even really do anything in the classes; evaluations take up a good chunk of class, so it doesn't leave much room to actually get into a good discussion. The only coursework I have left is my take-home final (paper) in history. I turned in the final paper for education class this afternoon, and I turned in the other small history paper on Monday. We had our cha-cha test in ballroom, and I think I went out pretty well in that class. I can now foxtrot, jitterbug, waltz, tango, and cha-cha...assuming I remember the steps ;)

Tuesday, Kathy came down to visit from Purdue, and we had a good time doing not much of anything, haha. We went on a walk around campus since she hadn't been here since freshman year for the Guster concert. We sat in the Adirondack chairs for a couple hours just chatting, waiting to see if we would get stormed on, but it turned out to be a pretty nice day, although very windy. Later we watched Dr Horrible's Sing-along Blog, which was funny and good except I didn't like the ending.

Thursday (yesterday) was a pretty big day too. In the morning we had our last tutor meeting of the semester, where we go to Marvin's for lunch. It was a lot of fun, but bittersweet since it was the last tutor meeting. After three years, tutoring is so ingrained in me that it'll be very strange to not be doing it anymore. (Tuesday when I didn't have to tutor lab since there was no lab, it was quite odd.) Also Thursday was Amanda M and my senior dinner! It was so much fun. Eric, Ali, and my brother all came in for the event, and lots of other people came to dinner too. We went to Los Martinez where the normally good service was absolutely terrible, but what can you do. We had some good laughs over it (I hope), and we had a great time. Shelby put together our top tens, and those had some pretty good stories, which was awesome.

Today has been pretty chill. We took the CS senior picture, I finished my paper and turned it in, and I've just been hanging out in the apartment for the most part since then. I will start packing up my life tonight in the hopes that when Dad comes on Sunday he can take a bunch of stuff away. I love packing and organizing things so to me it is very fun and relaxing.

Good things from last night

Because everything should have balance (and I don't want to work on a paper that I should be doing; also I am trying hard to be more positive about everything; also I try hard to find enjoyment in the little things), here are the good things that happened last night:

- I got to get all dressed up, including getting my nails done (which I rarely, rarely, rarely do). I absolutely adore getting dressed up and don't get to do it very often at all.

- I had a fantastic dinner (parmesan chicken in a delicious sauce on top of angel hair pasta; also some very tasty bread and I even ate some salad, which I never do) and a nice glass of wine.

- There were fountains set up for decorations, and I love fountains.

- The smell of roses was everywhere. I did eventually get/take a rose. While roses are not my favorite flower, they do smell quite nice.

- I was asked to dance twice, once by a friend whose date wanted to rest a little bit longer, and once by a friend who was my first ballroom partner last semester before I broke my foot. The first guy is a phenomenal dancer, and I will probably be spoiled forever because of that one dance. Confidence and ability to lead and keep rhythm are key, and he had everything down. It was so much fun! I enjoyed using my ballroom class skills in real life, too.

- Several people said I looked nice.

- There were a million stars visible last night on my walk home.

Some tips for formals

Let's say you're a guy and you have a very good friend who is a girl. Let's also say you are one of those guys who hops around from one girl to another, dating one for a while and then dumping her to pursue another girl, and always are convinced the girl you're not dating wants you back so you go back to her; mostly you are kind of a player, but to be fair, a nice player. But let's say you decide to take your good girl friend to your formal, for any slew of reasons which could include a) you think you'll have a better time with her than one of your hookups; b) you feel bad that she hasn't been to your formal before, although she "should have gone last year" and you're "really sorry about that"; or c) you don't want to go alone. Or maybe all of those reasons, who knows.

Great, you have a date who should be a good time, because trust me, she knows how to have a good time at formal dances. But for the whole evening, you can't stop thinking about last year's formal and how you went with the love of your life who then broke up with you last summer, destroying your heart in the process, and has completely changed and blah blah blah. Your good girl friend knows this whole story; she's been there through the entire thing (remember? the entire thing) so really, you don't need to keep telling her the story. She's a very good listener, her one redeeming quality, and she doesn't forget things easily. So really, stop telling her the story. Especially at dinner. Especially when you are the one who asked her to the formal out of your own free will; she is not one of those girls who goes around begging someone to take her just so she can go to a formal. Especially when she was super excited to be going to this formal and had been looking forward to it for a while. Especially when she has just spent several hours getting ready in order to look really gorgeous to make you look even better.

So here are a few tips that you should follow if you want your date to actually have a good time at the formal. Recognize that I am a traditionalist and not all girls would want all of these things, but these are the things I wanted. It's probably going to sound like I swiped it straight out of a '40s women's magazine. Sorry, that's how I want to be treated. My apologies to all the feminists out there. I hope that most people would be in agreement with many of these things, though.

- Bring your car around to pick her up so she doesn't have to walk to your fraternity house in heels. Open her door for her. Shut the door for her (but make sure her dress is out of the way first). When you park, open her door for her and help her out of the car. Shut her door.

- Open any doors for her that you guys will be walking through.

- Offer to take her jacket. Even offer to help her get it off.

- If you actually mean it, compliment her on how nice she looks. Make sure you notice any special things she did, like if she figured out how to put a flower in her hair. Don't wait until it's 1am and she is frustrated with you and has to point out that she has a flower in her hair. Don't say that you didn't mention it because "it's not a rose". You should have given her a rose in the first place. She would have gladly replaced the non-rose with a rose.

- If you don't enjoy getting your picture taken, at least put up with it and humor her. She just spent a lot of time and effort getting ready and she wants there to be good pictures of the event.

- When you go to dinner, pull her chair out for her to sit down. Also offer to take her jacket here.

- Whoever did the inviting to the event should pay. So yes, you should pay for her.

- She should always thank you for everything, including holding the doors, paying, and helping her with the jacket.

- Ask her how her food is. Offer her a bite of yours if she wants. She should ask you the same and offer you a bite as well.

- Engage her in conversation. If she doesn't know someone at the table, introduce her so it's not so awkward. Don't just assume she knows everyone, even if she does.

- When you leave dinner, offer to help her put her jacket on.

- After getting back to your fraternity house, help her out of the ridiculously high van that you went to dinner in. The ground is soft and she is wearing heels.

- Don't take a nap on the way back from dinner unless she is also going to take a nap. It is not as fun for her to stare out the window the whole way back.

- Let her enjoy the decorated, festive walk up to the fraternity house.

- Introduce her to other people she might not know in your fraternity. Introduce her to their dates. Just because she spends a lot of time there doesn't mean she knows everyone, especially not the freshmen.

- Get her a drink.

- Be willing to dance at least one song with her, especially if you know she loves dancing (and you do, because she told you), especially swing and ballroom dancing. Stop being so afraid to look bad. Be willing to accept help from several of your brothers who are quite good dancers. Stop thinking it's always a competition.

- Don't tell her you'll "be right back" and then never come back. If you want her to leave, tell her so.

- Don't leave her by herself for too long. Everyone else is always with their dates, either talking, dancing, etc. She doesn't like constantly being a third or fifth wheel in conversations because you disappeared somewhere. She doesn't like sitting by herself. She doesn't like standing by herself by the food table. She doesn't like that you think because she knows most of the people in the house, that she can entertain herself for hours. You asked her to the formal; you should be willing to spend a good amount of time with her. She is not going to prevent you from going to talk to your other friends and brothers, but she would like to accompany you so she isn't alone the whole night.

- If you're going to sit outside, make sure you pay attention to how cold she is. Remember, you are wearing a lot more clothes than her.

- Stop talking about your ex all night and how much fun last year's formal was and how this formal just doesn't compare. She will feel like a terrible date. It doesn't matter if you try to soften the blow with, "You're a great date, and I wouldn't have wanted to take anybody else but you, but...", because that will actually just make her feel worse. She will think about the fact that actually, you probably did want to take someone else because with someone else you would have the opportunity for a drunken after-formal hookup, and you know you don't have that chance with her. Also, your being so moody and depressed is really killing the night. She really wanted to have an awesome time tonight and you are completely ruining it. She was succeeding, because generally she has a pretty positive, upbeat attitude about things, but you are so negative that it will eventually wear her down and she will get depressed too. Great job.

- If you are going to go off on a "much needed stroll" that's going to last more than 5-10 minutes to clear your mind about all that stuff, freaking tell her. She thought you were coming right back, so she sat outside and had to deal with one of your really drunk brothers for about 15 minutes, where she worried that he was going to either pass out, throw up all over the couch, or fall of the couch and break his head. Then she probably spent another 20 minutes trying to find you in the house, just in case you had simply gone somewhere else, or gone to get another drink, or something. When she finally gave up, went to your room, got her phone and texted you to find out where you were, you probably should have apologized for literally leaving her for over half an hour instead of merely saying you were on a walk. When she replied that she wanted to go home, you should have come back to take her home.

- After the night is over, walk her back to her place. It's 2am, dark, she's in heels and a dress, and who knows who else could be wandering about. Yes, she can take care of herself. Yes, she was completely sober. Yes, she's made that walk a million times before. But it's the principle of the matter. Also, she ran into a group of about 11 guys ranging in age from about 20-50 on the way back, and that could have had bad results. So walk her home.

I'm sure there are other things that need to be mentioned but I can't remember them right now. Most of these things are "the principle of the matter" type stuff, and most of them are just common courtesy and being nice. But she would have appreciated it, trust me.

Sorry this was so long. I'm tired of selfish guys who don't like dancing and who spend what should be a really fun evening just complaining about everything. I am pretty sure I would have fared better back through the 30s-50s.

Really bad at keeping up with this

Haha. So I am terrible at keeping up with what I'm doing daily. Here's a recap of the things I can remember.

Tuesday: The last CS1 lab I will ever tutor was Tues morning. It was unfortunate, actually, that it had to end on this particular lab. It was the Robot stack lab and I hate that lab more than almost anything except for the other Robot lab. Mostly I just hate the robot labs. They only confuse the students and I never had to do them when I took CS1, so I'm not all that familiar with the code and I end up making stuff up, which isn't always right. Anyway, labs are over forever and that feels very strange. I mean, I've been doing this for 3 solid years. I still have another few hours of project tutoring next week, but then after that...no more tutoring. The rest of Tuesday involved learning some cha-cha in ballroom class, then panicking after forgetting to read a whole bunch of stuff for history, which I got all done during project tutoring hours because no one asked me for help until almost 10:20pm. The kid who asked for help didn't understand for loops, which he should have learned weeks and weeks ago. So I spent a long time taking him through the steps and making him follow the loops on the whiteboard, and I don't know if he got it ever. We leave at 11pm.

Wednesday: I was one of 2.5 people who read the reading that I panicked about for history. I am awesome like that. So that was a fun class. Lunch was great, Nettie joined Amanda and Shelby and me in Julian! It was so nice to see her and catch up. Our social group has tried to stay together since freshman year, but sometimes we have to really try hard. Education class was more scenes, which were fun. Then the rest of Weds was downhill. Mary called to let me know she was coming, and then after getting off the phone with her I started to really feel sick. I ran out of medicine and cough drops so I decided to go to Walmart to get more. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have been driving; I was really not doing too well. But I managed to get medicine and cough drops and I even managed to get carded at Walmart. Cashier lady: "Are you over 18?" Me: "Yes, I'm 22" Cashier lady: "I need to see your ID" ... what? I mean, I probably looked really terrible, but I don't think I looked under-18 terrible. Oh well, someday I will appreciate looking younger than I am. So when I got back to the apartment I thought that I should do some work, but maybe a quick nap would be nice. Yeah right, I laid down at 5pm and woke up at 8. I still felt awful but decided to get up anyway as opposed to just going to bed for real. This ended up being a good decision because I did manage to get some work done on senior project, and then Chuck called and we got to talk for a while. I found out that he went to Wake Forest for law school and lived in NC for almost 20 years, and has a lot of connections in the Winston-Salem and mountain areas in museum work! Awesome. :)

Thursday: I officially committed to Appalachian State, which took a huge load off my mind. We had a tutor meeting (last one ever in Julian 260) where Ron decided to explain some code to us, which he usually does once or twice a semester, so that was funny. Then more cha-cha, where my partner wasn't in class because he had a job interview. Legit, of course, but now we get to practice hard core for the test next Thursday. It should be a good time though. I love dancing.

Today so far: Demoed my senior project this morning, and hopefully it'll work out okay. Other than that, just been bumming around (should be writing papers) waiting for Mary and Nathan to wake up and various other things involving them. It is cloudy but warm (80).

Decided on a school

Most of you probably know this already, but yesterday I officially committed to Appalachian State University! It's located in Boone, NC. The program is Public History.

I did not wait to hear back from West Florida. I figured if they've kept me waiting this long I do not care anymore. For some reason in my gut I feel like I should go to App St, so that is where I'm going. I've always been drawn to the Southeast (in high school I claimed that I wanted to live in North Carolina and thought it would be the perfect place to be, even though I had never been there before), so now I am getting my chance to really spend time there. I will be in the mountains and only a few hours from the ocean. I am looking forward to the program. Looking at the course listings, I pretty much want to take everything, so it'll be hard to narrow it down. I am excited!

Recap of last two days

A recap from yesterday and today (Saturday and Sunday):

Saturday was decently boring. I should have done a lot of work and didn't. We practiced for our scene for education class -- we are performing on Monday. It feels great to be back on stage again, even if it isn't really real. We're doing a bit from Neil Simon's Laughter on the 23rd Floor. Very funny show. Saturday night I went out with Melissa to H&C before heading over to FIJI Isle. The bar scene is much more fun for me right now. All I wanted to do at FIJI was dance but it was ridiculously hot in their basement, so we only danced for a few minutes. Then I left and went wandering. Those sorts of adventures are my favorite.

Sunday has been also decently boring. I woke up coughing with a slight sore throat, which is incredibly unfortunate for multiple reasons. I went over to Julian to study with Courtney (and as it turned out, Laura) for a couple of hours, then I went to D&D which was fun as usual. I even video tapped some of the action so we can remember how it all went down.

These posts are probably going to be pretty boring, as I really just want to take down what happened on a daily basis. This is what most of my journals from middle and high school are like, and I kind of miss knowing what I was up to... Don't worry, there will be some more interesting stuff coming soon once I figure out what to do with myself.

Already?

How is it May 1st already? I have just over three weeks of college left. I still can't believe it. It seems like yesterday I was moving into Humbert freshman year. I thought that year went fast. Heck, I thought high school flew by. Little did I know, college would only go by faster.

I feel like I've done a lot over the past four years. I was in about a million clubs, varying over the years, including holding positions in some. I got to play sports, including varsity. I've made some of the best friends I've ever had. I've learned a lot and picked professors' brains. I've been involved in getting some neat changes to happen on campus. I've been influential in getting prospective students to come to campus. I've tutored CS1 for 75% of the time I've been here (that's kind of cool). I've gotten to take a wide range of classes, from ballroom dancing to music theory to geology to philosophy to literature to math. I've gotten to travel. I have so many memories it's hard to think of them all. Good thing I also have thousands and thousands of pictures.

Yes, there are some things I haven't done. I haven't done a boulder run. I haven't ever set foot in ATO, Delt, Beta, or Phi Psi. I haven't been on the roof of Julian. I didn't rush, so I have almost none of the sorority experiences.

But the experiences I do have I want to hang on to forever. I'm glad I have the pictures, but I want words to go along with them. So for the next 23 days I'll be chronicling my last days of undergraduate study...

Happiness is...

Happiness is...

... lounging on the couch with a beer and pizza watching football on a Sunday afternoon.

... sitting by the ocean watching the waves roll in.

... holding hands with someone you love.

... getting a whiff of your favorite smell.

... eating cookies and brownies while they're still warm.

... going out to your favorite bar with your best friends on specials night.

... hearing a favorite song on the radio.

... looking up and being able to see a million stars.

... playing in puddles after a summer rainstorm.

... falling asleep to thunderstorms.

... dogpiles with favorite friends.

... running around having fun and collapsing on the floor giggling.

... playing jokes on people or telling jokes and having them be appreciated.

... getting a really good picture of you taken.

... taking a really good picture.

... being on a boat.

... watching the sunset or sunrise.

... going to a live sports game.

... going to a concert of someone you really like.

... getting lost in a book.

... going out for a drive with all the windows down and the sun shining.

... finding a coin on the ground.

... stopping to smell a flower.

... smiling at strangers and having them smile back.

... catching the train going by.

... knowing someone wants/loves you.

... hearing from a friend you haven't heard from in a while.

... getting lost just for fun.

... having everything organized.

... dressing up and having people compliment you on how nice you look.

... having technology work the first time.

... realizing things about yourself.

... having great conversations.

... coloring, painting, drawing, sculpting, doing art or playing with art in general.

... a tasty home-cooked meal.

... drinking tea on your front porch.

... working in a garden.

... playing with a dog.

... playing with your friends.

... getting a good nights' sleep.

... finding something you thought you lost.

... putting jeans on out of the dryer while they're still warm.

... having unclogged drains.

... biking on smooth streets with no potholes.

... laughing.

... inside jokes.

... being in love.

... finding clothes that fit you just right.

... taking pleasure in the simple/little things.

data love

Something awesome happened this morning. There I was, minding my own business in my history class, and then bam. Whoa.

Backing up. We had to write a paper for history, analyzing an article, determining what house of history (basically, from what standpoint the author writes about history, such as marxist, environmentalist, etc) our author uses and if he incorporates other houses of history in it, etc. Anyway, last week sometime we studied something called quantitative history, which is where the author pulls in data, graphs, charts, all that sort of thing in order to make his point. This is, so far, my favorite house of history, because it makes the most sense to my weird, three-quarters-science, one-quarter-humanities brain. But until today I didn't realize just how much I really like this sort of stuff.

This morning in class we went around telling each other about what we wrote about for our papers (there are only 10 people in the class). First we went around the room and said which house of history we picked, then later we went back and actually discussed the content of our articles and papers. Of the class, 2 picked empiricism, 2 environmentalism, 1 Annales school, 3 quantitative, 1 anthropological, and 1 marxist. Our professor thought it was interesting that 3/10 of the class picked quantitative history, and asked everyone how they felt about the use of graphs and charts and the like in historical writings. Several people answered, saying that they found them confusing and they didn't like when they were used in historical pieces. Data can be manipulated, that sort of thing.

Then I raised my hand, prefacing myself with a disclaimer: "I know I'm the outlier in here, I'm the only science-y person," and then went on to say, "but oh my god I love numbers." (This impassioned statement made my professor almost spit out his coffee and then proceed to crack up.) "I love data and charts and graphs and seeing all the statistics. They make so much sense and they are so fun, data is so cool to play with, I love numbers". And at that moment as I was saying all this about data/statistics/numbers, I felt something that I almost have never felt before in my whole life. This swelling happened in my chest, this feeling like I was just going to burst out of my body. The only other time I have felt like that was when I've been in love. Maybe a similar experience would be that feeling you get when taking in a simply breathtaking view.

I was explaining this phenomenon to two of my wonderful friends, who have both just decided which grad school they are going to, and both who are, it seems to me, pretty into what they're studying, over lunch and asked them if that's what it's like to be passionate about something, is that how it feels? I have never felt like that before, what does it mean doctor? And they confirmed my suspicions, "Yup, that's what it's like!"

Oh my god.

I knew I liked playing with data and numbers. I've always had a knack for remembering the most random statistics. For god's sake I remember for years random license plates I'll see on the highway. I've always been fascinated with census data and other demographics. I want to know how things relate to each other, but specifically in a quantitative way. I like gathering up data and making charts with it. It's so interesting!!!!! You find out the most ridiculous things. My favorite thing to do at DePauw with the first newspaper of the year is look at all the demographics of incoming students, like where they're from and all the percentages. I get obsessive about sports statistics, wanting to know all sorts of things, like when the last time x amount of points were scored, or other completely trivial things like that.

The thing is, I don't really want to study statistics. I just like playing around with numbers and data and seeing what happens with them. While I do, to some extent, care about statistical significance (that was my favorite actual math thing to do in AP Stats in high school), the rest of running statistics on things doesn't necessarily appeal to me, although maybe if I got to know more about it it would, and it would make more sense.

But I think to do anything with data analysis or data visualization or even be a sports team statistician I have to have some kind of statistics and other math background. This kind of sucks for me since the only math I've had in college was discrete. The computer science program here doesn't have a very big emphasis on math at all - maybe only for the graphics class do you even need to know anything besides basic addition. So I am not at all prepared for any sort of career dealing with numbers, which is incredibly unfortunate. Math also tends to be the area I struggle the most with, so it is incredibly interesting that it is the area I seem to be most drawn to.

I think I will still apply to more grad schools in a different field from museum work (although I think I could definitely get in number work in museums). I would like to apply to sports management programs, because I'd say, that if I had to say what I'm passionate about (before my enlightenment experience this morning), it would be sports. One suggestion S had was that I could always minor in statistics. What an awesome idea, right?! Duh Maria. You can have minors in grad school, and that could potentially be a perfect combination.

Anyway, I just got so excited about the fact that I had this crazy, wonderful experience that I had to write it down. I also want to be writing more; it helps my sanity to get it out, and I want to remember as much about my time at DePauw as possible.

well, i got in somewhere!

Today I received, in a tiny envelope, my acceptance to IUPUI's Museum Studies program. Thank god I finally got in somewhere! However, here are some thoughts on this new development:

- They're not giving me any sort of scholarship or graduate assistantship or anything, and I won't get anything from the FAFSA. This is the breakdown they give of the 09-10 academic year for an Indiana resident graduate student:

Tuition and Fees		$4,900.00
Books and Supplies		$448.00
Room and Board		$11,296.00
Transportation		$5,088.00
Personal		$3,872.00
	Total	$25,604.00

So, yeah, not exactly cheap. It actually is likely that going somewhere out of state could potentially be cheaper. That's another 50,000$ for school...wow.

- I've lived in Indiana my whole life and a little bit of wanting to go to grad school is to get out and see more of the country. I love to travel and see new things, and I am terrified of getting stuck here. Not that Indiana is a bad place to live (I do like it here spring through fall, and I desperately miss my cornfields and open spaces when I live in a big city too long) but it's so familiar and flat and although I haven't nearly explored it as much as I would like, I'd like to go see something else for a while. That said, living in Indy would allow me to still be around lots of DePauw and high school friends still in school, still be close to my parents and super close to my brother at Butler, and still be so very familiar.

- I don't even know if I want to do museum studies anymore, although actually IUPUI's program would probably fit me pretty well. I will really have to think about this, especially if I don't hear back from other schools soon.

- The deadline to tell them if I'm coming is April 15. This is NOT ENOUGH TIME. I haven't even heard back from 5 schools yet, and I'm wanting to apply to other programs too. I don't know what to do at all.

Let's hope I hear back from other schools really, really soon so I can make a better decision and hopefully be more informed.

various things about the future that i am freaking out about

Too many questions, no answers.

What if I don't get into any grad schools?

Already been rejected from 2. I don't have the background for anyone to even want me in this field (public history/museums). I don't even know if I have the background or know-how to be any good in this field.

What if I don't get any internship this summer?

If I apply to museum stuff, nobody will take me, since I have exactly 0 experience working in museums. If I do computer science stuff, I might not enjoy it, and I'm not even any good at it anyway.

What if I graduate with nothing?

No grad school, no internship, no job.

Do I even know what I want to do?

I thought I did. Now I am not so sure. There are way too many things I'm interested in. I cannot just focus on one thing. This is why I never want to do a PhD. This is why most of the programs I applied to have a non-thesis option. I hate having to concentrate and focus in on one thing. It's so narrow. I like knowing a little bit about a ton of things. I like being able to do all sorts of things. My whole life exemplifies this. Over the past 8-10 years I have gone around and tried so many different things. I switch it up all the time. Sports, clubs, foods even, traveling, hobbies. I can't just focus on one thing, and I lose interest after a while, or it's just not as fun anymore. This is half the reason I stopped running track, besides the fact that my foot started hurting again. It just wasn't doing it for me anymore. It's why I'm playing IM basketball right now. It's why I can't focus on Knitting for Nets anymore. It's why I hated my last semesters' all-computer-science-all-the-time classes. It's why I made it a priority to do soccer and theater and academic team and honor societies and everything else I did in high school, so I wouldn't get bored with just one thing. It's why I've done soccer, frisbee, track, cross country, Hillel, knit night, poetry club, ducks academic team, robotics club, tae kwon do, wics, and I don't even know what else over the course of college, and why those are all mostly in the past tense now. I get bored or burned out or just want to try something new. I have half a dozen needlepoint projects sitting at home because one summer I got really interested in them, started a few, and then lost interest. I like finishing projects, I really do, but sometimes I just can't because it's not fun anymore.

Interestingly, this phenomenon hasn't ever happened with my friends or with plants. Maybe it just doesn't apply to living things, which is more than fine with me. I quite enjoy my friends and my plants.

But I worry about this particular way of living. I do not fit in with normal society. Normal society says that you should figure out this one thing you're passionate about, go to school for it, get a career in it, and stay in that career for your whole life till you retire. I can't do that, I just simply can't. I do not want a career. Not now. Probably not ever, because I've had this mentality for the past like 20 years and I don't see it changing anytime soon. I want to try out a ton of new things all the time. I am so worried about getting bored. Plus I have no desire to move up the career ladder, none whatsoever. So what am I going to do? I have no idea.

I don't even know what I want to do right now.

Museums would be fun. Working in sports would be awesome. I still have a burning desire to be the person who takes statistics at games. I like playing with numbers, but in weird ways that don't matter at all. I am still interested in environmental stuff. I like traveling. I like to write. I don't want to program. I like being outside, when the weather is nice. I like typing. I like singing. I like to explore how people think and what they think about. I like taking surveys. I like physically demanding things, like weeding or planting seeds or moving bricks around. I like being active, like biking or playing sports. I like to build stuff, with power tools and precise measurements. I like being able to flit from one interest to the next during the day. I want to work in a brewery, or at least to figure out how to brew my own beer. I like to cook. I like to take pictures.

Is there any way I can get paid to do stuff I like? Or am I going to have to be just okay with it, just deal with it, pretend to be happy, maybe be miserable in whatever I do for a living so I can enjoy the small amount of time I have to actually go live? In my opinion work should not take up the majority of your life. Life is about having fun and enjoying it, not being unhappy, and definitely not being stuck in something you don't want to be doing.

I definitely need advice on what to do. Everyone keeps telling me that "a year or two doing something you don't like isn't that long" but hello, that is a year or two of my life that I can never get back. I don't want to spend time being unhappy. Especially not right now, not when my body can go on all sorts of adventures and when I'm finally getting to be not afraid to try new things.

Anyway, advice appreciated. What to study, what to do. I really either need to stay in school or find a job that has benefits, because without either of those I have no health insurance and that is not an ideal situation to be in. If I had it my way I would take off and go biking around the perimeter of the US for the next year or two, but the no-health-insurance aspect kills that dream in the dust. So other ideas are welcome. What the heck does anybody see me doing, anyway? Other eyes might see what mine cannot. Thanks.

something i found while cleaning

While cleaning up my room I ran across an old notebook and decided to flip through it. I found a couple of pages I wrote on February 4, 2006 entitled "Things to keep in mind". I figured I'd rewrite it here so I don't have to re-find this book later. I don't think I necessarily agree with everything my high school self tells me to do (and I definitely don't do all of these things, although there are some I should) but there are some things I would like to remember.

Things to keep in mind

Never forget what it is like to be a kid
- Think the same

- Wonder the same
- Find magic in everything

- Take time to play

- Eat candy, watch cartoons

- Dress like you did in High School

Always keep a journal + write everyday

Dance

Sing

Burn candles

Read

Watch movies

Write with a quill or nib pen

Stay organized

Keep a clean house

Drink tea

Tell them you love them

Take pictures

Scrapbook right away

Get good deals, clearance, sales

Play sudoku, crosswords, mindgames (Mensa)

Build snowmen + have snowball fights

Visit all the states + many countries

Write real letters + send them

Send cards

Things to do with my kids:

- Sing Elton John's "Blessed" to them every day while pregnant

- Get them educational toys

- Teach to read by age 2

- Do science projects

- Encourage creativity

- Teach to cook

- Do chores

- Go on lots of vacations

- Read to them every night

- Eat healthy

- Bike rides

- Soccer

- Visit with grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc a lot

- Tell them stories

- Build traditions

- Drama, music

- Computers

- Torpedoes

- Children's Museum

- board games

- Kentucky Derby

Have lots of plants

Buy in bulk

Stay in touch with friends

Word hard, but play harder

Play video games

Take home videos

Enjoy every day

No regrets - ever